“I've never told anyone that before …”

I met Juan in the summer of 2019 at Clínica de Comunidad Sinaí, a men's drug and alcohol rehabilitation center Sinaloa, Mexico. His ongoing struggle with methamphetamine addiction formed prelude to his time he had, mother informed me, gotten carried away malos recursos offered by cartels. Juan's story was certainly one about kinds spectacular violence often linked But it had far less do groups than nearly any other armed that shared me during three months spent clinic. Nevertheless, threads wove their way into fabric life manifested permuted epistemes privilege violence-as-currency masculinized neoliberal order which lived (Valencia, 2010). My first interview just over hours long took place halfway through my living 33 “patients,” rotating attending medical staff, counselors, security officers, priest. sat air-conditioned meeting room served as workstation while there passed 30 minutes relaxed conversation. He spoke ease childhood experiences—even when physical parents marked remembering those experiences they so ago body. When began talk wife seven years, however, nature interaction decisively changed. looked started cough choke much walked fountain get him glass water. “It difficult,” mustered repeated throat clearing. worked make enough money support household, but she wanted work well. She said bring more in, … suspect things. continued cough, conversation paused. end conversation, waved off. It's air conditioning. would have made sense for fact last no issues all only narratives wife's infidelity were punctuated coughs strained airflow. With few exceptions, next 45 appeared be nothing short excruciating recounted multiple affairs shame knowledge them spread throughout town. The sheer force will exerted words out mouth evident massive inhalations exhalations preceded each increment narrative journey. For very. Long. Time. So strange how silence can sound like weight, having density attracts matter does: everything, something, anything silence. acutely experienced own not fill eternal silences sound. Both original interview, listening again recording, clear exactly kind pause confessional content. naked pictures her whole …People calling cuckold (chivo). together difficulty, things better time. Pause. Silence. Cough. Another rumor back me. turned off air-conditioner, sounds save soft whoosh car driving on single-lane highway outside facility's walls. watched, felt uncomfortable staring him, down notebook. deep inhale exhale blew open door chapter. exploded, monster came out. pace speech quickened, wracked demeanor loosened described actions. stalked men who slept circulated nudity world, separate occasions, went killed them. This is something doesn't know. alternately dragged man behind truck, shot times testicles, disemboweled scalped bodies, dumped cars desert. intricate details tonal style how-to guide stalking targets burying bodies elude detection. don't know these still keeps trophy from nights hidden somewhere. Once found pregnant, launder Sinaloa Cartel. Moving immediate matters toward we debated martial arts movie screen night, since arrived most precious tool fieldcraft—a Netflix subscription—and tired watching same rotation five DVDs Sinaí library. stopped pausing, tapped shoulder, around. I've never told anyone before. nodded, finally pulling weight adding face smiled. around both * moment exemplifies particular genre fieldwork confession, am disclosure: moments utterance speaker claims has been told. It trying an act suspension: simultaneously within confessor's everyday experience prescribed social worlds potential consequences. Immediately, questions surface whether this “really” story. While inevitable curiosity, disclosure comes its veracity interlocutor decided formulate researcher. may intentional move strategic intent—e.g., shifting relational or epistemological footings—or actually given voice past action. Regardless, certain individual being done claim thus warrants distinct categorical framing analysis dynamics might find home. Contextualized, against threat (or realization) nestled deeply Christian-influenced understandings confession. argue, merely blurring boundary between religious secular, embodied confession—Juan's somatic symptoms accompanied them—also troubles dominant regimes knowledge. Our discipline's attendance voice, method, well-suited accommodate multiple, ambiguous, related aspects such encounters. encounter offers chance think commission return acts what recounting does relationships self other. Foucault (1978) argues confessions are technique used produce truth exceeded ecclesiastical realm. confessing modifies confessor, part necessitating extract depths themselves under conditions relations power where consequences stake. insignificant, verb “to confess” means once disclose one's faults” hear confession.” Thus, modification confessor alone, listener convened single action and, result, intersubjectively remade: our confessing. Elsewhere collection, Forero Angel convincingly indispensable role secrets constitution ethnographic intimacy required work. Furthermore, dual meanings collapse onto another subject: come interior myself confess you. In way, confession performative. anthropologist embedded world. also bear instrumental purpose, content depends context utterance. effects exceed purpose. easy imagine reasons why chosen utter disclosure, least plausible outsider promised anonymity bore direct future effect life. Perhaps preceding days hinted sympathetic audience? Extant field inroads thinking disclosures gaze beyond conference Sinaloan desert considerations different domains orders magnitude. example, Rakopoulos's (2018) Sicilian Mafia, murders committed pentiti, penitent sinner, bind organization's Through confessing, pentiti removes obligations co-produced position mafia, held prior case Juan, however. crimes realm organized criminal activity (though successful execution possible access arms know-how possible). neither released nor risk retaliation groups. If bound tightly body Cartel, refined ability execute labor market valued breaking did attain Mafia. positionality rendered entirely useless regard institutionally sanctioned protection absolution motivate mafia pentiti. relevant overwhelmingly Christian. Many power—institutionally, politically, communally—were devout faith. funded private donor prioritized Catholic faith supporting reformation individuals. commitment evidenced assertions program director on-site church (in relatively small town nearby) 50 percent size remaining built structures combined. focal point facility gate opened, parking lot led up doorstep conducted interviews literal shadow building. Even freedom absolution, eyes rested front façade gazed distance, recalling. subgenre nestles myriad interlinkages experiences, intersubjectivity, context. sinner change status (expelled, absolved); constitutes reworking produces emergent ways knowing transformative possibilities. One aspect comprises somatized phenomenological space researcher interlocutor. Confessing—disclosing faults hearing confession—constitutes “bodying forth words” (Das, 2006). As betrayal revenge time, concatenation body, canvas instrument mundane violence. require effort revelations overcoming resistance (Foucault et al., 1988), tortured infidelities chaos pain known caused could fulfilled requirements. obvious existential discomfort some degree own. Though lengthy minutely detailed elaborations killing dispensation troubling, processing gore “disciplined staying put” (Dave, 2014, 444) self-sustained (and silence) acts. Contorted expressions, tightened airway, desire crawl skin: legacies violence, rage, shame. Reminiscent Das's (2006) writings person's listener, response recognition. At homicides flowed us—threads violent (distinct violence) weaving “social skins” (Povinelli, 2006; Turner, 2012) remaking relationship another. contrast expected constitute troubling story—the calculated pursuit revenge, gore—it instead disjuncture expectation troubled preconceptions wake, understanding There heavy breaths pregnant pauses killing. opened another's belly permitted slow spillage intestines tone explained daily toils cattle ranching. assessed bodily exertion, seem elsewhere narrative. difference demeanor, affect, physicality prompted wonder Murder. suggested otherwise. inflection secrecy circulation. Under conditions, exonerate, redeem, purify, liberate, offer promise salvation—all possibilities recrafting (Foucault, 1978, 62). confessions, general, evade crafting formal researcher, priest juror. Instead, occur suspension serve experimental upon tries act. risks, associated experiments fragile contexts: wrong people idea changes mind good share secret divulgence set eyes. Concerns trauma, distress, (counter)transference, retribution surface. protections booth juridical trades leniency place. settings, codes represents treason cowardice (Rakopoulos, 2018). even privacy center's closed room, without risks. necessarily either us thought confessed, true. Confessions denotational They identity personhood (e.g., “killing you are” Mafia) emic truths projects overdetermined pastoralism, punitivism) potentiate inchoate politics becoming 2014). performative constituted predictable novel ways. enactment witnessing intimate (de)construction. tried telling tale remade articulating actions reactions. permanently reconfigured confessing—a mix environment, institutional context, research questions, acts, personal histories—“thinned human skin thickened relationality” 444). invoke Dave's theorizing witnessing, developed animal activists India, interrogated intentionally engage suffering work, understood others turn away, implicating oneself outcome events electing present By inviting life, positioned as, among things, witness tales. McLachlan delineates passivity implied notion complicated relational, affective, dynamic motives attendant though motivated presence day, inevitably surrendered parts him: touched, troubled, hailed stories tell emotions alone vulnerability; mutual surrender, albeit asymmetric stakes. himself revisiting memories, negative reactions, possibility punitive should report authorities. Beyond that, fundamentally irrevocably altered qualitative elements day. extended frayed edge tapestry own—and read words. These connective tissue new forms relating world pedagogies rehabilitation, recovery, redemption. patient named Reuben regaled animated recountings number ferocity so. cluster huddled circle smoking section courtyard clothes bright red blood after someone deigned meth production lab already controlled territory. previously graphic detail greenness fluids emerge area cleaved separately, frequently lied exaggerated exploits. moment, look recognition acknowledgment cigarette smoke hung night us. That discursively person connected moment. reconstrued (I trusted because me) shaped (believed) Reuben's A Foucaultian leads examination confession-as-technique remakes evidence reproduces knowledge-power. polyvalent character moves upheld regime truth—be ecclesiastical, juridical, violence-and sequelae- potentiated Born worried about, provided instantiation ethnographer—a “bad resource” use plumb mark entire entanglement relationality until put coax fish net drags sea it. owe profound debt gratitude fellow Confessors attentive reads contributed development. particular, Jenny Pearce, Kelsey Robbins, Amy McLachlan, Krauss, Ana Maria Angel, Alonso Gamarra insights provocations piece be. Any errors missteps remain